Can Anyone Beat The Heat?

"I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures."
Chief Justice Earl Warren



For the past month, the shaded temperature at 10pm in Anytown, USA is on the positive side of 90 degrees—and the sporting life in the new “Rome” is on fire. The baseball season has turned the heat up—and that’s not just the grand jury gangsters sniffing Barry Bonds’ 5-year-old pee samples. The NFL season, which doesn’t officially start for another month is really heating up. This is 2006, and NFL just inducted the first black Quarterback. Once in a blue “moon” even the most racist establishments will give you something to smile about. Wait!! Don’t break out in a Tootsie Roll Dance yet.., the NFL (which doesn’t really stand for… Nappy-haired Folks Leave quietly) just named its new league commissioner, Roger Goodell. Those of you dreaming of a black league commissioner to step to the podium and officially takeover the reins of the predominately black end zone dancers, must be smoking the same dust found in Maurice Clarett’s urine sample. Do you think Ohio State will retire Maurice’s bulletproof vest?

Do you ever wonder why superstar black athletes don’t negotiate front office jobs or team partnerships on the front-end of their contracts, instead of begging for illusive head coaching jobs when their careers are much less relevant? I guess those million-dollar babies can suck on the notion that ESPN is always hiring earsplitting buffoons to out-fetch Steven A. Smith. Make sure you save that loud “Playmakers” suit for the interview. Personally, I am most fond of the NBA ball-ers. After all, they are treated much better by their commanding commissioner, David Stern. Sure, there is an iceless, anti-hip hop dress code courtesy of king David. Yeah, I know that no one under 20 years-old is allowed to enter the league anymore—which simply means (two years ago) LeBron James’ feet would’ve been hanging off a Blue Devil bunk bed instead of having a Kobe accuser fluff his NBA road game pillows. Do you think she ever found the answer to “the myth?”

I really liked George Bush better when he was running baseball’s Texas Rangers. But, you know the old saying in Texas, “if you follow a stupid kid home, a dumb parent will open the door.” Nevertheless, now Walker, Texas Ranger—who wasn’t happy enough ruining a .500 baseball team—he now teamed with Condoleezza “Just Ice” Rice to foul-up the rest of the world’s unity. On that team it is hard to figure out whose bushes are more deadly! Now that Condi’s dream NFL commission’s job is filled, we can only hope that she finds a gig with less casualties. Of course the Bush administration is still hoping to find weapons of mass destruction in the new NFL commissioner’s office. If that happens, things will really start to heat up.

1 Love,
Ray Lewis