There are just over 425 days until the next presidential selection. And from all the unofficial, official, on-air political pundits, cable news polling stations, barbershops & Mar-a-Lago folders, we've got the latest numbers in and it's shaping up to be a big one. As of this scribe, here are your Top 5 Presidential Candidates:
No, seriously. In a country where you can literally talk to every sane and eligible voter, these numbers (above) are the hands-on favorites to "win" the next selection. What's even scarier, is that you know some of the people that were polled... There were quite a few Karens, some Taylors, and at least one Bruno along with a host of Jeromes.
Now then, keeping with this “Top 5” theme, now would be a good time to remind you of the 5 constitutional criterions to becoming the president of these Western Shores:
- You have to be a natural-born citizen of the United States.
[I thought the use of the word 'natural' was pretty funny.]
- You have to be at least 35 years old.
[The youngest in this selection is twice that age.]
- You have to have been a resident of the United States for 14 years.
[In Florida that means your vote counts twice.]
- Not be a woman.
[At least not outwardly.]
- You cannot have an afro.
[At least not after your official announcement.]
Slight side bar, I have been celebrating the "50 Years of Hip-Hop" all year. Hell, I even had my first birthday party; a hip-hop themed bash. Celebrating hip-hop has been a blast, but I have to be honest with you... the results of this political poll have been troubling to me. So much so that I decided to conduct my own People's Party Poll. And I must say, I have been flat-out astonished at how sadly similar the results of my People's Party Poll are to the above-mentioned.
I didn't want to assume that such an inane strategy would result in an evil result, therefore, I decided that my People's Party Poll would be 5 simple, scenario-based questions to see if that logic remained true to my community's beliefs.
In this poll you can actually vote with whatever device you are using to read this. Using technology will alleviate long polling lines, hanging chads, babbling blue-eyed blondes, electoral colleges, and people sexting Clarence Thomas. Get ready....
Let's say you hear a loud scream from your neighbor's house. It's late, but you get dressed and hurry to their front door. Just as you are about to ring the doorbell, you notice the door is ajar, and a robbery is taking place. In a split second, you and the intruder lock eyes (you pee while he is holding two murder weapons in his bloody hands). He speaks first and says...: "How do you want to see this end? (Select the scenario that best supports your position)
a) Shoot him with 2 bullets to the head or 1 slice to the throat.
b) Give him 1 bullet to the head, 1 in the chest, then slice his finger off.
c) Let him go, enter inside and partake the rest of his sweet tea and skittles.
It’s been a long week and Saturday night rolls around. You are gearing up for church in the morning and suddenly you get a call that your pastor of 20-years is taking an unscheduled leave and no further details are available. Now a few weeks have passed since that non-profited news, and this shocking announcement still has you understandably disheveled. Nevertheless, this church that you call home (an oxymoron, I might add), that you have attended for decades and have made significant contributions to, is holding an election to select the next pastor…, here are your choices: (Select the person that best supports your position)
a. R. Kelly
b) Bill Cosby
c) Jussie Smollett
FYI: Jussie replaced Jeremiah Wright, who was on the ballot... but the current president vetoed his nomination because he thought Jeremiah's rhetoric was detrimental to the faith-based community following him.
The candidates running in this selection are tasked to pass a form of legislation that will improve the lives of Americans, particularly those in under-served communities of color. (Select the candidate that best supports your position)
Candidate A: Decides to extend the Patriot Act for an additional 10 years.
Candidate B: Decides that members of these underserved communities can now buy 1/2 priced stock in private prisons; but only if a family member has served time in (said) prison for a nonviolent offense (i.e., smoking weed).
Candidate C: Has partnered with Wells Fargo to bring low-interest loans to historically redlined districts, but he also had to agree to pardon the former Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf.
There is a pothole on a highly traveled road. Over the years the hole has grown and now the heavily traveled street has cars that are experiencing blown tires, bent wheels, major wheel misalignments and broken axles. Recently a 24-year-old driver named Tyrone sped through this (now mammoth) hole and crashed. His hairless head went through the windshield, killing him instantly. There was a press conference scheduled to provide some hope for a change honoring Ty, as he was affectionately known. (Select a candidate that best supports your position)
Candidate A: The front-runner, decides to mention the fatal car accident during a campaign event. Donned in his blue-collared shirt and rolled up sleeves, he took to the news podium and said: "Ladies and gentlemen of this shit hole of a community..., I want to address the unfortunate tragedy involving Terrell. Holding his earpiece feverishly, Candidate A clears his throat to continue: "As your new U.S. President, in my first term, I am going to build a hospital for anyone traveling down this potholed street, so whenever anyone hits this pothole, they will have a place to fully recover. We are going to name the hospital after Tyler so none of us will forget him.
Candidate B: Took the stage later the same day on another news outlet and said: "There is no reason that Tyrone, who had a lengthy criminal history, should have died this way. Brushing the dirt off his shoulders, Candidate B continued: "How many more peers have to die in these sinister streets? Not waiting for an answer, he continued: “Tyrone is the only child of his single, unwed, unemployed, BET-watching mother and he didn't have to leave us like this. As such, when I become president, my first order of business is to rename this street Tyrone Windshield Drive.
Candidate C: This campaign doesn't have the same national attention because this candidate doesn't have the same funding as his Wall Street-backed candidates. Nonetheless, Candidate C released a statement from The Schomburg Center for Research in Harlem. That statement (in part) read: "When I am done with this interview on Sway in the Morning, I am going to change my clothes. Then, a few of the locals and I are going to get a permit from City Hall. Once granted, we are going to block off the street, work with a local developer who designed this building, and we are going out to fix the hole.
Hitler and the Devil are running in a hotly contested race. Remember the people from my People’s Party Poll told me, in no certain terms, that our ancestors died for this right to vote.
I am curious... who would you tell the ancestors that you pulled the lever for in this choice? More importantly, how would you explain how this West lost in the only Race that ever Mattered?