Can Anyone Beat The Heat?

"I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures."
Chief Justice Earl Warren



For the past month, the shaded temperature at 10pm in Anytown, USA is on the positive side of 90 degrees—and the sporting life in the new “Rome” is on fire. The baseball season has turned the heat up—and that’s not just the grand jury gangsters sniffing Barry Bonds’ 5-year-old pee samples. The NFL season, which doesn’t officially start for another month is really heating up. This is 2006, and NFL just inducted the first black Quarterback. Once in a blue “moon” even the most racist establishments will give you something to smile about. Wait!! Don’t break out in a Tootsie Roll Dance yet.., the NFL (which doesn’t really stand for… Nappy-haired Folks Leave quietly) just named its new league commissioner, Roger Goodell. Those of you dreaming of a black league commissioner to step to the podium and officially takeover the reins of the predominately black end zone dancers, must be smoking the same dust found in Maurice Clarett’s urine sample. Do you think Ohio State will retire Maurice’s bulletproof vest?

Do you ever wonder why superstar black athletes don’t negotiate front office jobs or team partnerships on the front-end of their contracts, instead of begging for illusive head coaching jobs when their careers are much less relevant? I guess those million-dollar babies can suck on the notion that ESPN is always hiring earsplitting buffoons to out-fetch Steven A. Smith. Make sure you save that loud “Playmakers” suit for the interview. Personally, I am most fond of the NBA ball-ers. After all, they are treated much better by their commanding commissioner, David Stern. Sure, there is an iceless, anti-hip hop dress code courtesy of king David. Yeah, I know that no one under 20 years-old is allowed to enter the league anymore—which simply means (two years ago) LeBron James’ feet would’ve been hanging off a Blue Devil bunk bed instead of having a Kobe accuser fluff his NBA road game pillows. Do you think she ever found the answer to “the myth?”

I really liked George Bush better when he was running baseball’s Texas Rangers. But, you know the old saying in Texas, “if you follow a stupid kid home, a dumb parent will open the door.” Nevertheless, now Walker, Texas Ranger—who wasn’t happy enough ruining a .500 baseball team—he now teamed with Condoleezza “Just Ice” Rice to foul-up the rest of the world’s unity. On that team it is hard to figure out whose bushes are more deadly! Now that Condi’s dream NFL commission’s job is filled, we can only hope that she finds a gig with less casualties. Of course the Bush administration is still hoping to find weapons of mass destruction in the new NFL commissioner’s office. If that happens, things will really start to heat up.

1 Love,
Ray Lewis

Where's The Beef?

“I don't know whether war is an interlude during peace or peace an interlude during war.”


One day I was riding on Memorial Drive (a suburban strip in Decatur, Georgia) when I witnessed two guys beefing over which one got to the gas pump first. I, with too much time on my hand, and in no real rush to drop $55.00 in a V-6, pulled closer to the conflict. One guy was in a ’77 Chevrolet Impala and the other was in a Ford Expedition. The brother in the Impala was not moving even though it seemed that he arrived at the pump last. I couldn’t help but wonder if his TI bumping disc, subconsciously contributed to his no-nonsense stance. The brother in the Expo, who looked as if he played a down or two in college, was equally determined not to move. He didn’t seem moved by the music either. So there they stood two brothas at war! From where I stood, I just couldn’t imagine two men fighting over something so petty. My angle may be different from their perspective. However, being physically helpless and sadly stumped, I went to an unoccupied pump. As I pulled off—a half a hundred lighter—I noticed the beef got louder, and I couldn’t help but speculate if some witness was going to make a call to a home explaining why a brother or father is not coming home today. I wonder.

Can you imagine the calls to the fatherless homes being made in the Middle East? There are alot of brothers fighting over there too. Most of them are probably too young to understand why Israel is dropping bombs and Hezbollah is aimlessly firing back. Israel believes that beef started with Hezbollah’s lack of diplomacy or hostage management style. Hezbollah feels that Israelites (and their meddlesome US buddies) are territorial bullies, who swears they are entitled to all the land there forefathers told them about. The Bible probably has a more accurate account.

Condoleezza Pay-Per-View Rice is racking up frequent flyer miles traveling back and forth to the Middle East in hopes of stabilizing the situation. Now, that’s about as funny as the fight in the gas station. During one of Rice’s photo shoots she had her people (all pimps have people) dropping food and trail mix in Hezbollah; and handing artillery off in Israel. It must be really be Hard Out Here For A Pimp. When Rice landed in the US, she seemed mystified that her ceasefire speech didn’t work. Maybe the speech didn’t work because the Lebanese weren’t invited to Rice’s after party at the Israeli Prime Minister’s crib. In the end I wish Rice had taken my approach and filled up her transportation and just kept it moving. It has to be cheaper to fill up in the Middle East than it is on Memorial Drive.

1 love
Ray Lewis